Over the month that I have been in Bangkok, Thailand I planned out multiple starts to this blog. As I look over these drafts, I can piece together how I was feeling as the weeks went by. All of these moments add up to now when I am properly writing this out. So here’s a glance at how it has gone so far.
Draft One From My First Week in Bangkok
I thought I would be writing about the heat. In pre-departure training our instructor Robyn explained that many of the past interns when they arrived in Thailand were surprised by the heat and wrote about it in their early blogs. So I went into my arrival expecting this. But the heat didn’t bother me, instead I was acclimatizing to something very different.
As my first few days went by I was struck by the difference between my expectations of what would be difficult versus what actually was. That first line “I thought I would be writing about the heat” kept playing through my head. Maybe the heat didn’t bother me too much because I had lived in Australia when I was younger so it felt familiar. Or maybe it’s something larger and metaphorical about the heat being an outside force that I have no control over and therefore it wasn’t worth stressing about. I don’t know.
Those first few days I made minimum expectations for myself: get my keys to my apartment, get groceries, eat a proper meal at a restaurant. I used these to keep me going when the bustle of the city felt like a lot. There were the things that I loved like the cityscapes, the infinite skyline, and the taxi driver and front desk worker at my building that always bowed hello. There were also the things that were difficult in a way I was no longer used to. Like buying groceries and riding the bus (the latter has been a whole saga for me).
At the crux of these struggles was the language barrier and the extra amounts of courage it took to speak to people. As someone with a past riddled with social anxiety, this was all rather familiar. And after four years of an undergrad where I studied “putting myself out there” as much as I did history, watching myself falter again was frustrating. At the same time, knowing that I had been here before and persevered, pushed me forward.
I had to remind myself that as much as I was self-conscious speaking English in a Thai country and using Google Translate, no one was going to read my mind. So it is always better to try.
Draft Two From When I Started Settling In
Turns out the world isn’t going to end. Even after trying yet another method of telling the conductor what your bus stop is across the language barrier and feeling like a fool when it doesn’t work and they have a good laugh over it. The world doesn’t end. Why? Because one block down the bus is going to stop next to a truck with three people sitting in its back, who give you the biggest smile, and hold up their small dog to dance for you.
The world doesn’t end. Not when you go to the mall to get your sim card and have to go back the next day and try again because it was over stimulating. Not when you overpay for bed sheets. Not when you’re too tired to go see the landmarks you spent weeks Googling. Not when Instagram convinces you everyone else is adjusting better than you. Not even when you eat cup noodles for multiple dinners because you can’t figure out where a Thai restaurant is in Thailand. Everything doesn’t just fall apart.
I wrote this passage as I reached the point when I had settled in enough to reflect on my process so far. One of my biggest barriers early on was this idea that I wasn’t doing my internship “right,” and that there was this timeline to adjustment I was behind on. Being a solo intern meant I didn’t have a person with me to reference my experience against or to push me to explore when my energy was low. Instead, I had an instagram filled with pictures and a very energetic group chat to compare myself to. I also found it hard to know what tiredness was normal, what was burnout from a stacked final semester, and what was something larger I needed to address on my own in a foreign country.
Once my schedule started up I felt a lot better. Working at the Global Alliance Against Trafficking in Women (GAATW) has been an amazing experience so far. Slowly over a few weeks I have gotten to meet more of my co-workers, many of who work from home or internationally. I started being given assignments that I was passionate about, including research that I could see the direct impact of for vulnerable communities and political systems filled with hypocrisy.
I also fell in love with the mundane parts of living here. I love public transit and being around locals as they go about their normal lives; the bustle of the roads and trains, while you pass by buildings of all sizes, graffiti, and a Buddha statue under construction; and the walk from my bus stop to the office marked by the scent of food carts. A few things truly stand out to me that really helped me feel at home. First, is the local restaurant where the GAATW team eats lunch everyday, where the chef P’Ning and her family put in effort to learn my name. This is also where I built up confidence to say the names of the dishes that quickly became my favourite foods. Second, is the man who sits on the tiled driveway that I pass on my walk to work. Each time we see each other we bow and press our hands together (in the formal Thai greeting) and I know from his reaction he is as happy to see me as I am to see him.
Draft Three From When I Started Never Wanting To Leave
We always talk about the part at the end of the trip when you are changed forever. But we don’t talk about the start when you’re still you and the worlds so different. Except it isn’t because everything here is the way it always has been, just now it has you.
I’m terrified by the fact a month has gone by because in the short amount of time I have been here I have fallen in love. Now that I have my legs under me, I have all these plans of things I want to do and life lessons I want to learn, but it never feels like I have enough time. I’m a future planner (evidenced by the fact I had been looking into CAPI for two years before I applied) so one thing I had to face early on was the need to be in the moment. There are all these projects I want to do when I get back home, but I have had to tell myself that the best thing for me to do for those plans is live and learn in the here and now. This isn’t an undergrad class that you can speed write the essays for or cram for the night before the exam. If you did that you would leave learning nothing.
One thing I have been grateful for that has really grounded me in the life I want to be living in Bangkok is the visits from other interns. Thank you to Mirai, Hanna, Amina, and Jordyn! Being able to show others around the city, even when I was not perfectly familiar, gave me the confidence to go out and explore more. Visiting the Bangkok Arts and Culture Centre and Bangkok Pride were especially significant, because it started giving me ideas of events and community I could find here. I am very excited for this weekend because I have a series of visits to queer art exhibits and performances planned. Being able to pursue my activism and love for queer community on the other side of the world feels especially amazing.
Another activity that has also truly changed my internship experience has been attending GAATW’s Women Workers for Change conference on Dance Movement Therapy. I met so many strong women who are fighting hard for their rights as workers in Thailand, Nepal, Indonesia, and the Philippines. This experience deserves its own blog so keep your eyes out for that but what I will say is: I laughed, I cried, I fell in love with womanhood all over again, and I have become tempted to practice meditation.
I am so very thankful for this opportunity, aware of my privilege for having it, and proud of myself for having the courage to take it.
All the best from Bangkok,
Trinity
